working on empty.

[13 January]

I know I should probably be doing homework, but I haven't touched it today. I felt like I should maybe come on here and write instead. [4 hours later] 

Today, has been a bummer day to be honest. [ha! i bet you loved that -- honesty!] I left class right away today and came home, looked at a couple things that I found fascinating and inspiring. I was also thinking in my room on my bed with my music blaring with the same song stuck on repeat for the longest time. [If you're curious it was Beyonce's 7/11; I wanted something upbeat to lift up my mood] Then I switched over to banks: waiting game. I am still sitting on my bed listening to music Hozier: work song with headphones in, song blaring unbelievable loud while my mind chases around all the thoughts coming through. The sun went down and the room is dark with the street lights that spark every few inches on the streets showing in. 

I know it probably sounds super depressing reading that or super calm. I couldn't honestly say. But I needed to get things out and you know those days that nothing makes any sense or those wondering thoughts of how am i going to get all this or accomplish this come flooding in? The simple you could break down and cry for no reason, but there's probably a reason but not really. Yeah those days can be ruff and they also come through far and few. And those days I truly don't know what to do. I feel like doing nothing but I also can't even though I already wasted four hours doing nothing productive towards school. 

Sometimes I don't get how to manage things altogether and sharing thoughts while miles away from others for school is hard. [It really is a luxury really to have deep soulful conversations] - [I cherish by the way] Those are also very rare and far and few it feels at times. My soul feeds on those soulful conversations, they let me talk my thoughts out or ask a million questions stuck inside my head. Simply sometimes, just day-dreaming whatever inside the depths of the pit of my soul. 

My first week of school was alright but also kind of shitty really. [I wasn't going to use such a negative word] to be honest that sums it up perfectly. The best moments, [laughter at random moments] because those exist a midst all the down falls of feeling a mix of everything of [I don't care, to annoyance] then to complete silence after being impressed but also kind of puts you in your place in a way. I know probably sounds odd to say, but sometimes that happens to me. It's not intentionally, but it's those stories, thoughts, things about life that happen through conversations with others and gets you to think. [truly think, in silence, with thoughts circle mid air of the mind] Those are good at times, because they get you thinking about your [particular my life] it makes me look a things inwardly, but also gain perspective. [However, they can also get you into thinking a million overwhelming thoughts of how is everything going to happen or whatever it is that is soaking in the mind.] 

I get it a lot of people can be hard on themselves, or others seek the approval of others. I was thinking about the seeking approval of others, because I can relate in the sense of that subject. [I was reminiscing back to the days when I didn't care or didn't asked others about things I wanted to do or how something looked] I miss that person but then I don't. Because that person was someone who also numbed certain feelings. Once you do that, it numbs all and I wouldn't necessarily want to trade that for the opened person I have fought to become and work on continuously. 

I feel like I need to be by the ocean water, sitting on the beach with the sun quenching the depths of my skin. I want to feel the wash of the ocean water splashing and have a million photos with a billion sunsets overtaking the rim of my eyes. What I would kill to [see] splash colored horizons filled of sitting on the beach watching the sunset. [You know sunsets is one of my all time favorite thing to capture on my phone!] They are never the same and always produce so much beauty, so much rawness and so much so much beautiful colour. [way to win over my heart].

Another thing I noticed this past year [two thousand and fourteen] Christmas was I actually didn't care [not at all in a negative context] but in the sense of materialistic things are only things. I can't take them with me and yeah you could die trying thinking those things will come with you, but we all no that's not happening. i truthful and honestly was happy being at home around my family and extended family visiting. And the other things in life that i care about and would enjoy or want are things not even money can buy anyways. The little things that eat up the insides of my soul and have me day-dreaming over days, years, weeks whatever the case. i cherish those things, the memories, even photographs [love], the deep soul wrenching good conversations that take place. i love those elements of life and reading. [i've gotten more into it this started of the new year again] 

My point of all this writing is that [shitty] days are going to happen sometimes and that is OK. Sometimes you just need to get everything out, whether or not it makes sense or seems vague or no sense. Being human is a everyday job and being vulnerable is OK. And feeling a certain way is okay, but keep pushing through.

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