Simpleminded.

I know I have lacked posting on here since school came around in September. I am still in school. Yes, I know I thought I was going to be done also in April. Some times things in life change and plans change, which is totally cool. I have been having a lot of different thoughts, feelings, emotions, talks, etc with myself, people but a lot with myself in my head. I have wanted to talk about different things multitude of times, yet I never swing on by here to put it out in writing. Tonight is different, I can no longer go on with not contribution to this blog of my thoughts in my head, because that is what I do best; think then write. I like, no I loooove writing, because I love how I can express something that perhaps someone else is dealing with or if not I can let out my voice by chance maybe inspire someone or get them thinking.

I think this opening is a enough rambling and I should get into this post..

The title pretty much explains this post in the most nicest way possible instead of using other meaningless words that are no good for the inner heart, the inner soul, the inner beauty that shines out like the bright yellow sun on a warm day. Lately, or okay.. that is perhaps a lie; this year (this school year) there have been many of a times that I have felt that feeling.

And I know people have thought otherwise or maybe just maybe say it to quietly say (shut up, already!) who knows on that second last comment. <- (to clarify, to say positive things) Myself on the other hand do love how the people who are supportive are truly supportive and see nothing wrong. They see gold, heart, beauty, love, kindness, strength and every other imaginable word or statement they feel that is injected positivity to someone's soul to hear.

People say, no it's made well aware that one shouldn't be negative or say negative things about ones self, since not only do those words attract things into your life but it hurts the inner soul more. I definitely have never been one to have a strong stance of confidence at all. I can and will admit to that. However, many have thought otherwise. (And I don't know if it's my mistake in the way I portray myself or if it's more so that people see what they want to see and actually don't bother to really know the big question -- WHY?)

I am not going to sit here and make up some story that I have this perfect life; although others believe otherwise; nor am I asking for pity. I only want to express my inner being; I want to be me and that is okay, that is enough.

I have felt simpleminded for quite some time for a while now every so often, because I am made aware of things that I do not possess or have as a person. I feel I lack the knowledge on things that I should know at my age; at twenty-six for then I feel simpleminded. I know I shouldn't, because I shouldn't compare myself to the next person, yet some times you can't help but not too.

This past week I was so frustrated for my first week of spring classes, because I felt very very simpleminded in that I couldn't understand a concept we where going over in class and I had tried it four times! Four insanely annoyingly times, that I still came in extra early the next day and still couldn't understand. I felt brainless and my eyes, the rims had water caving in; they wanted to drown out the water onto my face. My throat was a rough mess. You could tell I was frustrated, but in my soul I felt unschooled. I dislike that feeling; I felt so embarrassed all in the sense of not getting it, not understanding. However, I did finally get it on Friday, after it was dummy down for me to grasp it. Even then I felt untutored.

Yes, life is a learning experience and that is why you take classes to learn, but how could I not get it? Not only did I get schooled in that until Friday, but sometime in the middle of the week, not once, but twice I got schooled in two different things that I did not know. I dislike that feel so much, because especially when it comes off the way it does that you feel so simpleminded. I feel the people that surround me are beautiful, smart (oh so smart), genuine souls, heartfelt human beings with the kindest of words whether advice, encouragement, inspiration or things they have to say because it's not meant to stay within ones heart. And in general everyday life these souls are so intelligent my heart loves them for what they are, how they learn, speak, know and the capacity they have with words. I feel I lack so much; yet I feel inspired so much from what I lack.

However, where I may lack others see beauty, strength in things that I see as (i did what i had to do because i had no choice but to, not because i felt i had a choice or there was an option) - although others would disagree with that statement, with depending circumstances included perhaps.

That is it. I struggle with a lot. of different things. I feel I struggle most with the fact of being simpleminded. Perhaps others, would think otherwise from my writing on my blogs; however i feel writing is something that is one of my strengths to let out my inner emotions, thoughts, things kept in the depths of the inner corner of my soul. (i feel i could improve in this area further in the depths i want to achieve in writing) Even one-on-one others believe otherwise again.

There are moments that my inner soul goes wow i feel so uneducated. (not in the fact that I have said something, but in the intelligence of hearing others speak or seeing others write so educated or even know so much. Probably seems as though I am jealous or envious, but I am not. I simply feel these things such as uneducated and simpleminded. I only want to improve my self to be better, to know better and be made aware of better. However, I am twenty-six and yeah I don't need to know every.single thing but I do need to know things that twenty-six year old people do know and i don't.

Doesn't it go about that if more than two or three people are saying the same thing that is telling you something? It is all depending, or those people are wrong, jealous, envious? I really think it probably means something and is saying something. It doesn't feel that great of a feeling. The feeling of lack, unintelligent. 

at the end of the day beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

what are some things you feel you lack, but think you should know because how old you are and everybody else in your age range knows also?