realizations

I have been thinking a lot this past week, but yet more so late last night. I also have been thinking in and out of today as well. I think it really started hitting my mind again doing dishes, the silence that the mind craves or pleasantly enjoys to rattle of thoughts. It doesn’t matter what kind it gets that craving and tries to grab your attention. However, my thoughts lately pertain to realizations, words, actions, following through but also judgement along with INSPIRING.

I was standing at the sink tonight doing dishes and was replaying in my head scenarios or things that I have gone through or have done this year. I wanted to cry to be completely honest. At the end of all the replaying scenarios and thoughts the word INSPIRED came into thought. It caught me into a deep web of what the word means and that yes that was one of my goals to achieve and have, but even more so it is not someone I have honestly portrayed properly this year at all if I look back at everything.

Yes, I am human and I make mistakes and sometimes my actions don’t depict the things that I say myself. It made me realize that I have the opportunity to make things correct. I have the chance to instill the actions that it takes to INSPIRE people or someone honestly.

Yes, to some people I have inspired them in a number of ways that they are thankful for however, I have failed to humbly be that person whole heartedly. I understand some may disagree and some may not understand what I am talking about, other than the fact that I am only human and I capable of failure, mistakes, wrongs and not allowing my words display the actions I speak.

I do not know why this week my heart has decided to allow my thoughts of realizations to be amplified or maybe it has been there this whole time knocking, then knocking yet I never let myself acknowledge it, so it went upon itself to be a brick wall shaking to allow me to truly SEE.

I am I grateful and thankful for these realizations, of course I am. I am because not a lot of people can allow themselves to SEE that maybe what they did wasn’t the best choice of words, or actions.

I am grateful truly for my current life these past several months off to school. However, at the end of the day looking back at everything I am disgusted with myself. I am disappointed in myself. I allowed myself to let go of the person I was on a journey to find. Perhaps, I have not lost the person inside but it feels that way because everything coming up from the underground.

It is truly funny how the universe works, how it allows you to see things. I find it not really ironic but almost as a blessing. It is my twenty-six birthday on Monday and am thinking of other things but myself. I am thinking of all the beauty, laughter, fun, people I’ve come across in these past several months. I am also thinking of the people I have let down within myself, that I have condemned for no reason, for the reason that I have felt makes no less good than them. I have done the same and am no better as a person.

… so as I stand there at my sink thinking, pondering my actions. My mind goes into doing the right thing. My mind is acknowledging the actions I can take to make it better and maybe some of them will blow it off not thinking it is a big deal. However, in my heart and soul it is a BIG DEAL, it is because I have done something wrong and it is my responsibility to correct my actions. Maybe, it will be awkward or not a big deal but at the end of the day I know I can say I TRIED. I took steps to do better because I was made aware of the possibilities of being able to do and show better as a person.

So you ask what does the one word mean that EMBODIES its wholeness?  

INSPIRE

-      MOTIVATE

-      ENCOURAGE

-  INFLUENCE

-       MOVE

-       STIR

-       ENERGIZE

-       AWAKEN

-       TRIGGER

-       KINDLE

-       PRODUCE

-       UPLIFT

-       STIMULATE

-       SPARK

-       INSPIRIT

-       IGNITE

-       CAUSE

-       PROMPT

1.    to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something

2.    create (a feeling, a positive one) in a person

3.    animate someone with (such a feeling)

4.    give rise to

5.    to affect, guide or arouse by divine influence

6.    to fill with enlivening or exalting emotion

7.    to stimulate to action; motivate

8.    to affect or touch

9.    to draw forth

10.  to be the cause or source of; bring about

11.  to stimulate energies, ideals, or reverence

Those are the definitions from the dictionary. And maybe I have fulfilled those in ways I may or may not know to others, but in my heart truthfully I see it as I did what I had to do to move forward, to get the things I wanted to achieve in my life but also because I had no other choice other than to TRY.

Failing was not an option even though many times it feels as though I could have; I seriously could have.

One of my wishes for my twenty-sixth birthday is to do better as a person and portray that better in my actions even though I am humanly capable of making mistakes. I feel at the end of the day all I can do is at least TRY.

Everything I have I am grateful for and everything people are questioning I may want I already have and am grateful for. What I have and been given by the universe is the exactly tools I need at this moment in my life. If I needed more I would have been given more, but I am give to make do with what I have because I am able to achieve what I need to in my life with the very things I have among me at this moment and time.

The little things I have realized so much this couple of months even more. I saw I love the little things, however I never fully acknowledged them per say. I never stopped to truly enjoy the moments of sunsets and sunrises. Those little things are really the big things and they make life pretty darn special. They allow you be grateful for those things, so when something amazing comes into your life you`re able to accept the beyond wildest things you never saw coming.  

Life is full of lessons, adventures, realizations, mistakes, truths, honesty and so forth but it also helps make the life that you have, live, enjoy, treasure or make precious. If you are grateful the universe will give you the very things you need to go forth in your life.

I know people say all the time they have changed; they’re not the same person I knew before. Honestly that is completely okay, I feel that if people didn’t change, didn’t realize things they would be stuck in the same person that they are and never grow. Life is about growing, finding you and learning.

Sometimes all it takes is allowing yourself to step back from certain situations, things and or people, so that you ACTUALLY realize what other people were talking about for so long and you never saw. Simply, maybe you did but didn’t think it was a big deal. Those moments when you say it ALOUD, those are the moments that make me have chills. Sometimes that is all it may needed to take was it be said out loud to pull your attention. A lot of the time is starts making you question yourself, your morals, your values, your friendships, relationships or you as a human being; as a person.

I feel sometimes giving so much of yourself away to others, that you lose yourself or knowing what you are capable of takes away from your energy.

I also have come to acknowledge that some of the things I have said these past couple of months I have crossed a line, I shouldn’t have. I feel I need to reground and regroup as my own individual person and not as what others see or think in their eyes (negatively). I feel a cycle is starting to happen, but this time I am aware a lot sooner than in my past times. What made me aware of this was going out to dinner last night. This exact moment -– (sitting at the table eating, yet feeling so self-conscious that I am being, JUDGED.) The same reoccurring theme I have walked through before. Also the same thing I have allowed myself to do to many others in hindsight.

The thing I miss truly, is being the person who doesn`t care what others think. Doing things on my own or own time and that it doesn’t matter if someone doesn’t agree to it being the right way or not. It is not about pleasing other people with their untruthful thoughts or insecurities. It’s about making yourself HAPPY. It is about doing the very thing within you that holds your core together and makes you feel good about yourself, your life and your actions along with words.

At times it may feel like you don’t even know what is going on anymore, but it will get worked through. You will be made aware of possibilities you never thought were going to come into fruition.

Another thing that I came to realize is the lack of positivity I have stored up within me. The very things that people believe or see in me I don’t acknowledge in and with myself as the months have gone by. The smallest form of beauty that lies within the soul hasn’t been touched, because of being too busy with other useless things; such as overthinking, judging, overanalyzing etc.

I feel the most unhappiness thing I have come to realize is how… sad, sick and disgusting really it all is. I understand there is the right to need to vent, however there is a line. I feel I have went too far or was so wrong on my part.

-       GREAT minds discuss IDEAS

-       AVERAGE minds discuss EVENTS

-       SMALL minds discuss people

I think the most rewarding part is the awareness of the people around me that DO inspire me. The people who are so full of energy, positive-ness, beauty, advice and kind words; those are people who inspire me; the ones who are positive. The ones that were the brick in my wall and have let me have so many realizations this week. The ones who have shared stories about situations, things and or life to let me know that (I am a good person, with a kind heart and am funny.) The things I want to achieve are possible and the dreams they are wanting to achieve make me feel inspired and happy. I am truly grateful for the people that have come across into my path these several months; they are a blessing in disguise.

Do you want to know what makes my heart truly flutter in happiness?

-       When people are always so positive and cool things happen to them or even if something disappointing comes up that they least expected too, they have the ability to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES and get through it in a positive direction. (That IMPACT makes me realize the GOOD in LIFE that I may sometimes lack within myself for whatever reason.)

-       When people are looking at their cell phones smiling and or laughing and you don’t even know why!

-       When people smile at you for no apparent reason while walking past you.

-       When people want to honestly know the truth and genuinely care.

-        When people give you valid advice that you feel confident enough to know what they are saying is true and it’s not okay to brush it off.  

-       When people see the good in you, pray for you but also BELIEVE in you with their whole heart.

-       When people take the time to truly get to know you as a person and not what they see on the outside or from actions displayed.

-       When people acknowledge beauty like art because they see a lot more than you are willing to allow yourself to fully see.

-       When people see amazing things that they think would and could happen to you without questioning or doubt.

-       When people think they beauty you carry within your heart is so more than negative words.

-       When people share inspiring stories because stories such as those are rare these days.

-       When people allow themselves to be vulnerable.

-       When people eat, breathe, live the power of positivity and law of attraction, faith and or God in their life.

-       When people share their passion with you and there is an unshakable light the sparks up in their eye that lets you know how badly they really want something and willing to get it, but most importantly are insanely passionate about it that nothing could let it go away.

-       When people want you in their life and are truly happy that you came into their path of life.

-       When people are much as a soul of theirs as you are of them.

-       When people are your soul-mates and you realize how much in common you have, share and feel like you picked up right where you left off even though you never knew each other before.

-       When people take the courage to risk having something they are unsure of.

-       When people you come across paths with allow your mind to spill with cool ideas that wasn’t really set in your mindset before.

-       When people love you for who you really are and don’t try to change that.

You may be wondering what I have learnt from this all… and simply is that

-       I am not better than anybody else in the actions I have also taken.

-       I am as un-humble as the next person I have come in contact with.

-       I need to separate myself from being around the same constant people and do my own thing.

-       I should be on the level of people who INSPIRE me because they give me so much great ADVICE, DEEP CONVERSATIONS, that I am not on that level when I really should be.

DO THE BEST YOU CAN UNTIL YOU KNOW BETTER. THEN WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER DO BETTER. – MAYA ANGELOU