when you wake up in the middle of the night

I have been thinking a lot lately this week along with being wide awake at night late when I really want to sleep. You know those I want to sleep but your mind wants to still be on with constant flow and it's like really? Ugh, I really kind of want to sleep, right now at this moment. Those moments when you are super tired and are going to sleep but you have to finish doing what you were doing. You have to finish even though you know you can complete it tomorrow? However, my personality is not exactly like that, it doesn't want to work that way at all. Once I do something I must figure it out then and now, no tomorrow if not necessary. But any who. . I have been thinking a lot on a number of things. This topic keeps popping up this week and even today in the sense of a situation I had to deal with today.. awkward! This topic being; to do with confidence, positive things people love about me but the one thing that has stuck out the most is constructive criticism. I don't know what it is but I feel I need to hear that this week. I feel that I need that because I had watched two-three videos on confidence or lack thereof and there was some things I definitely picked up. I definitely know there are things I can work on and improve;

for example : 

1. not to say "i don't know" (I am sure I have improved a bit, because I noticed it before. However, I noticed that I do that still with some people instead of really saying things that is on my mind. As in avoiding the things floating around even though I kind of want to express them.)

2. the phrases "i don't know" & "i guess" another term I notice I probably say some times as well, but in all actuality.. I probably do know but chose not to say anything. (Really who cares? Every body has a voice, opinion, thoughts and it's a way to express one's self and I know I probably say this instead of actually giving an answer. However, there are times when honestly I am not sure at all and that's okay.)

3. being indecisive .. instead of decisive. I don't know why but maybe this isn't with everybody I do this with. However, I do know I do this to someone and I definitely heard this comment swing around me and I never really put much thought into it until my mind was sinking in thinking about a million different things. (When it comes to a restaurant for example.. it doesn't matter in the whole grand scheme of things if you truly think about it. How can you pick a bad restaurant? Okay, you can try it out and it turns out not good, but the next time you will know not to go there. It's a learning experience.)

4. how can i do this better? (Not everybody can handle or likes criticism from others etc. I can definitely relate in the sense of my past when I would heard things, it would hit me hard. It would hit me so hard that I would take it personally and most likely a mouth drop, omg.. wth? wtf? seriously? no, i don't do that and the list goes on (every excuse in the book that could come to mind). However, as i have grown and become older I feel it is good to hear stuff like that in my opinion. It challenges me to grow, learn and to improve myself for the better. It pushes my limits to go beyond some thing that maybe I never truly noticed or noticed or most likely have heard from a number of people. However, i never really thought it through enough to see that a pattern was forming because more than one person has told me the same thing already. (If more than one person has told you the exact same thing then it is some thing that obviously needs to be worked on.) 

Those are a few points.. but don't get me wrong hearing positive things it's really nice and gives you a good atmosphere within your whole existence. I mean.. lately I have been feeling the complete opposite. I feel because some things have been brought to my attention that a reinforcement has strung into my face dangling of situations or things I have heard from people that has pushed me to really let it sink in and think about it more deeply. 

- i am only human 

- i am not perfect
- i am not here to become perfectionism 
- i am not here to be a copy cat
- i am not here to be a follower
- i am not here to live by other people's standards
- i am not here to fulfill other people's ideas or dreams that they feel, think or believe of me
- i am not here to please others

- i am here to live
- i am here to learn
- i am here to explore
- i am here to immerse in laughter
- i am here to show compassion
- i am here to share my love
- i am here to fulfill my dreams
- i am here to improve, grow and learn
- i am here to express myself
- i am here to be me... to be the person i was created to be
- i am here to be one of a kind
- i am here to please me.. my dreams, my ambitions

Some times I feel overwhelmed to be honest.. i feel everybody has this vision of me. This pedestal they put me on and truthfully.. i don't feel comfortable with that at all. i honestly completely, don't understand it at all, because i don't do anything special in my opinion. i do me. i do what i think or feel in my life and maybe it's wrong or right or there is no right or wrong, but being expected so much from is hard. yes, it could be motivation to me in a way, but i don't feel that way at all. 

i feel a lot of people think i have this easy life.. i flow by easy and maybe i give that impression or make things look super easy. However they are not, or never have been for me. Perhaps, i expose that to others with my brave face, keeping things to myself or not exposing what really goes on to everyone. the truth.. nothing has ever been easy for me. i always try really really hard. i always give 110% to everything, because if i'm not going to then there is no point of me doing it in the first place to begin with. 

i know people see me as a role model or look up to me that way as well and i don't feel that comfortable with that term either. i feel that way, because i struggled a lot. i wouldn't want anyone to lead the path i have walked on, not even my own future kids. yes, it gives myself character, gives me wisdom, compassion, strength etc. i don't truthfully see myself in that light at all to be honest. i know other people will disagree with this and think otherwise which i am cool with. (it's the same as when people thought things of me and i could never understand why at all.. and that is because i didn't understand me at all. However, i understand me a lot more now than before and this is still something that doesn't sit with me right.) i am definitely honored if you feel or think that way of me. i am sitting talking about this and ironically i think all my friends are so accomplished that i look up to them and am proud of them for everything they have done. i seriously, don't feel that way about myself.. yes, i may do certain things and it's not that i think it's whatever, but a process.. a step i need to take in my life. some thing i need to do for me, my life, to challenge me. 

this last paragraph.. most likely doesn't make sense or is contradicting myself of things i am talking about or mentioning.. but i hope it makes somewhat of sense through my express of words, feelings, emotions, love, along with everything in between. 

my goal is get some constructive, honest, truthful, real criticism from others.. so if you want to do that for me cool! please, don't sugar coat it and be all as if i am "naive" or something along those terms. i really am curious what you think, have to say, no heart feelings just some real feedback. let me know what you've gotten. i am all open ears and completely open fully. 

i am getting super tired so i think i will call this a night. i had to really badly talk about this because it has been pressing on my mind. 

i hope you enjoyed my thoughts at least.

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