right now

to be truthfully i shouldn't even be on here writing; i should be doing other important things. However, my mind is running with a million things or nothing at all.. you know those days, you feel tired but aren't really. (you just lay in bed all day for no apparent reason at all -- restless) You don't want to do anything but you know you have to and you want this week to come and end. You want it to be whatever Monday next? 

There's a million and one to do list piling up in my head.. yeah I probably should get to that or start this. Oh yeah I was suppose to do that how many weeks ago already, but haven't. Oh yeah then there's months away things throwing itself my way in my minds path. I haven't even made it through to that far yet, but my mind is sinking into those thoughts. 

sometimes you need that push.. you need that thing to get you through or to get you at least started. yeah, that's where i am stuck at the moment.. stuck but also anticipation of things i am not looking forward too at the same time. and everything at the moment seems cloudy and doesn't matter, yet tomorrow morning it will. 

letting certain things or people dictate my life, my choices can be hard at times because all i am allowing that to do to me is detract from the very thing i wanted so badly. there's so much going on that losing focus is happening and it obviously can't but also not everything is going to be like water colors flowing across the wall and down to the floor. you know you're losing focus when you see things slipping, you see things you're trying to balance on the same level but it's not really flowing the way you hoped. giving yourself something realistic, however in someone else's they see more.. they recognize more than what you thought. 

my level should equal: 

try harder, aim higher, get back into focus, be honest and don't give up. anybody can give up it's the easiest thing to do. but why let that happen? why tip the scale to see it all gone and flash right before the circular pupils of passionate, heartfelt eyes? why let the very existence escape through the palm of your hands?

why .. 
why ...
why ....

focus .
focus ..
focus ...

the struggle is worth it. 
the struggle will make you stronger.
the struggle allows you to fight that much more harder.
the struggle pushes you somehow to continue even if at times it seems unbearable. 

by the end of this a miracle will stop right in front of you and will ignite the very thing eating inside the existence of your soul. it will empower you that much more, with that much more happiness, that much more success and possibility. 

....