i love you when you sing that song it's brighter than the morning

I wanted to come on here and write, because I have been thinking and thought what a better way to release than in my head. I know it's been a long while, since I last posted on my blog. You know school life around this time gets even crazy busy than any other time, so forgive me.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot, about a lot of things. Sometimes I am not one hundred percent sure what I am doing in my life. Sometimes I lack the strength that others feel I emanate from their pretty, beautiful stunning sunshine eyes. Sometimes I look back and wonder what I have done or pass up was wrong on my part? Sometimes or lately life seems to have courted a close knitted beauty of graciously awe-inspiring individuals in my life that I will never compare too.  I never thought I would find those people, the ones who accept me for who I am fully even in my most selfish moments of life. Even in the moments when I realize I am being not as appreciative as my fellow heart shining friends. Some times i don't even know how all these dots have connected this far together for the best. I don't know how I was given beautiful soulful angels that elude beauty that I never will be able too. Sometimes I wonder how I can be that good? How will I attain those attributes? I am not too sure. I sit and ponder in deep thinking thoughts, that only my heart hears from within and flows through my veins like a brightly colored sunset.

Sometimes or most times I never really understand what others see that I cannot see of myself. I know when I have done wrong and I recognize when I could have been better. Other times I can be stubborn and selfish. Sometimes my standards seem as though they are on the highest shelve unable to be reached. Sometimes I feel I can't even reach them myself or don't know how I can even if there's a ton of possibilities. I have a lump in my throat full of the unknown, the fear and everything wrapped up in one that holds like a locket with a hidden key. Sometimes I truly wonder what others think fully as in constructive criticism kind of way. I sometimes wonder if what I am thinking in my head is possible or if they will always be things stuck in my head, because I fall short in my mind. But then some see things I cannot get or things that astonish them from my mind.

Everybody wants to be validated, but I am not asking for that. I just want to know if my brain can be destine for the things floating like a song that waves with an ocean roar and calm flow. I want to know if my vulnerability that none really ever see wholesomely can cast out like a Caribbean palm tree. Can it release the utmost hidden soulful, mindful, beautiful, wild, free person full of deepen conversation that holds in the chambers of the barefoot toes and wild untamed knotted messy bun hair.

People change all the time, that's life. However, people are not meant to stay the same either. People are meant to change, to grow, to develop into a gracious peony with a center yellow button middle with lessons and struggles tide along the walls of the missing honey bee searching for honey. In those walls portray fear sometimes and sometimes happiness. Realistically those walls hold more than that for me; they hold the dreams that haven't been sung, the darkness that floats but holds wings of wonderful.

But I love you like a left hand man loves a piece of raspberry cheesecake. I cannot compare my beauty to that of yours, to that of others, to that of colleagues and to that of my peers. I can only interpret your beauty within my life as long as I am being gifted with it. I can only learn from it, cherish it. I can only protect it and be loyal to it. I know I can never repay for ever receiving the presence of it in this lifetime. I could try, but I know that is the best that I can give at moments of a time, because I daily fail at life. I sin at life and destroy the interlining full of brilliance sticking inside of my body with unfathomable analytic pieces separated into a mixture of all over pieces.

Sometimes I wonder how am I ever going to repay the people who have walked into my life. How am I going to spark the next individual with everything inside of the person of me? I do not know how to let it go. I do not know how to walk away. The only thing my body knows is of heaviness in darkness holding on tight to battles a midst struggles tide into one.

What's a fresh start? What is truth? What is brightness? What is brilliance? What is shining brightest? Please tell me? I feel I have not ever even been close to those as I have seen from the people surrounded of me. All i know for sure is that I know what calm is among others well inside of my soul may seem chaotic but soothes those surrounding within the presence of me. Other than that I do not honestly know. I do not know what the inner ropes of gold hold inside. I thought I did, but I think I don't. I know the beauty of others. The dark, the sad and the pure genuine joyful kind of beauty. I know knowledge that floods the gates of others mind that I feel has not even come close to the potential to the hidden corners stored of mine. And all my friends and family give unwillingly, graciously and full of heart. I could never walk those stepping stones of those standards and pass. I know now that my kindness isn't anything particularly special to be exact. It doesn't hold the strength that I have witness within others in human kind. Everyday, I learn new things of humanity and the beyond the possibilities I could ever see imaginably possible of me.

Lately I just want to run along the shoreline and white sand with hair washed up from the ocean waves loving the beauty that scatters throughout the shared sky. I feel a misunderstanding and a restless struggle wondering to stay or feeling the river washing down the mountain top with rain droplets of hope, of the possibility of future conversation that is held inside.

This feels like a movie and I am running from myself, but I am not because running is never an option. Running always chases you, head on like a wave collision hidden upon the eruption of deepen volcanoes. I don't think I like it. I don't think you like hearing it, but I also think do you in the wake of inner soul depth beauty that locks the screens of your mind.

And I love you like the morning sunrise that holds the quiet piercing love. I love you like the unconditional love you give me. I love you like the kindness you hold in the sacred depths of your soul and heart. I love you as bold as the lights of new york city. I love you like the conversations that race my heart and capture my mind with intelligence. I love you like the ocean sky with a purple sunset floating like a kite. I love you like the intelligence seeping through your mind.  I love you like the honesty your lips let out in rawness and unforgivable truth. I love you like the depth of your eyes that shine gun metal and flecks of brass that twinkle as the stars do at night. I love you for your understanding.

Lately I want to be your left hand man but I am stuck on the highest shelve of the common stairs.
I just wanna know if I'll still be apart of your motion screen or a past history -- I have a lump in my throat wondering, wondering if I am that strong.

11.22.14 {i love you and your song, even when the words are wrong but I wouldn't ask for it any other way.}

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