i just need something.. your good grace and pure love and never ending guidance

Dear Universe,

I try to understand and be open to things, but there always seems to be something. Some kind of obstacle or lesson you want me to learn or push through. Okay, I get it.. if the path was straight-forward or easy I am not obviously going anywhere. I just don't understand the certain things I have done, there are things coming at me from every place. Obstacles that you are making me push through too and at times I am unsure of how to cope. I get full of anxiety and overwhelmed when I thought I had pushed through this obstacle already. I don't know what I am suppose to be learning or why I am being pushed through to this challenge but I am asking for some sort of calmness to wash over me. Because lately everyone is making what I am doing for myself to be wrong. I have no idea what the light at the end of this tunnel is going to be for me, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore at this point. 

This is why I never want anybody or even my future kids to suffer through the things I have in my life. (“the people with the biggest hearts always suffer the most”) I don't wish it upon anybody not even in the sense of seeing me as a role model. I don't agree with that, because I feel I have struggled so much that I wouldn't want the next person to go through that same process. However, I understand it does make you stronger at the end, which I also dislike hearing that all the time as well. However, it's true and makes sense at the end of the day. Or you're so strong, which I also dislike hearing at times as well. However, i feel have no choice but to be because at the end of the day sometimes it is only me and nobody else, so I have to hold it together and be strong. At the same time, may not be good because then people think my life is so easy but it's not; some people like myself are really good at hiding that part and pulling it together to be strong. 

I understand if I wasn't able to handle it I wouldn't be going through it, but it always seems so much. It seems too much at times that I don't know how to cope or what to do. I feel like a broken record... towards others. I get that friendships work both ways as in.. give & take but I always feel like I take so much and don't give a lot. I know others would disagree and say I give a lot to people, even to those who don't appreciate it. Keeping everything in does not do myself justice at all, that is one thing I learned. It's true, keeping it in feels even more extra overpowering within because it is being kept inside. I have gone through that feeling and can say it just gets higher and higher and higher until something brings you over the edge and you burst. 

The only thing I truly want people to see of me is . . . to be inspired. to look at me and say because of you i didn't give up. this is the only thing I truly would want of anybody to see of me as my legacy that i leave behind. Yes, people will believe or see more or feel more of things and that's beautiful, lovely and everything in between, but that one thing is all that makes me passionate about life of others vision of me. 

I really try to be super positive, but also there are going to be moments that you are just down and out. It's part of life, but sometimes I don't feel that positive, yet again I know others think otherwise. I try really hard for my sanity to have something to have a balance and not chaos. 

The one thing that has stuck out at me in my mind when i think of a really negative thought that i know i shouldn't think but lately do, because i am unsure of how to cope. Is the one thing that a friend said to me.. one line my friend Cristina mentioned that for some reason has some sort of huge impact on me through my negative thought that the one thing she said just clicks in and gives me some kind of hope. A beauty of the potential future. 

I know I have received a lot of generous things that I am truly grateful for. I really want something, something to happen for me. I know also that is on the timing that seeks to be right. 

I think a lot, a lot about how is everything going to happen.. how are all those dreams that have been sitting within my heart going to come to pass and happen? I know they may or may not, because maybe something will be even better waiting for me. And I know that I shouldn't worry about things like that because if I have faith it will work it's way through. Some times, I am unsure where I will go and what I will become. There's a lot within my heart that I want to fulfill badly. Patience, time and faith of believing along with working really hard will allow it to happen.

I understand I have high standards or am hard on my self at times or critic myself hardly when am not doing that bad. I know and feel I could do much better in some ways or areas. I feel there is always ways to improve, to become better and push harder.  

I am not really sure of certain aspects.. at the moment. I feel like a broken record, spinning on constant repeat. I don't even know what I am doing.. other than feeling tired, drained, and overwhelmed. The opinions of others shouldn't care or matter, however the negativity seems so much compared to things I've dealt with before. Like I get it.. what i am doing seems dumb to others, others are better, smarter, have everything already. I am not them, and I wasn't made to be or made to travel the same path as them. 


Can you give me the strength to push harder, stronger and give more. I feel I lack my ultimate potential within me lately. I really want to do better for me. i want to strive for success. i want to eat, sleep and breathe that in. i want the passion to roar through within that emanates outside of me. i want to see more beauty and be more gratefulness beyond the measures I am now. i want your love, beauty, hope, belief, dreams and wishes for me to strike through. i want to be better than i was yesterday, today and in the past. i want to be a better version of me; because i am my own worthy competition right now. 

I really want something, some kind of sign of something good that I haven't yet received in my life ever. Some kind of sign that I am doing fine; I am on the right course and not to worry, keep pushing through. I just need something -- some kind of sign. Any kind of sign .. just throw something in front of me, so I can ... I just really need something. I am not trying to ask for a lot, but at this moment I don't know what else to do. I feel I have done the things I wouldn't have before and I am asking for some sort of sign, some sort of hope. Some kind of beauty.. just something. please, please, please .. can you give my heart a little hope and flutter of something holding inside that i seek or want to accomplish. simply, something.. which in a way i feel i have been given this a couple of times already and ive done nothing and maybe that has been your sign already thrown left field unexpectedly, expecting me to do something and i never do but beat myself up about it after it happens, because i did nothing, but i just need a push to follow it through. all i really know is that i just really badly need something.. some kind of hope.

. . . . 

signed,
with lots of love
me «3