what came along and blew out your candle?

Everything works together and lately things keep happening that join together. I can not exactly explain why and how, but it's just been happening. I love those periods of moments in time and then they disappear for some time and reoccur again. It's been all happening a lot lately.

I have learnt so much this week about people really true see of me. You're probably going huh? I had to ask some people for a response to this question for school: what you think about me & who i am along with my strengths and weaknesses. The responses I got back I was not expecting at all from so many people. The things that they said were lovely, kind and incredible. My weaknesses was really what got me the most. It got me the most, because it has made me think a lot and realize that every single person has said pretty much the same thing or along the lines. I am the type that is truly grateful for constructive criticism / feedback on myself in general. Where as others may dread that; I find it helpful. I feel I can always improve myself and improve as a person to become better.

It has left me thinking a lot, trying to figure out in my head that I need to work on those things and the two people that may have mentioned it before and you brush it off as no big deal whatever. When you read numerous people with the same opinion it makes you go wow! I am truly grateful to the core of my heart and soul. It gave me a boost to thoughts that were in my head or lack thereof. I am very honored to have received all that I have already from people for a response.

I only hope I can become better as I turn exactly twenty-seven within a month exactly! (thanks to my lovely friend for the reminder!) I learned I really need to improve on myself; I knew I did before, but I always never put too much thought into it. As a situation that happened to myself for being honest and having to share it it opened this comment; you're going to believe what you want to believe even if someone tells you otherwise.) It also has had me thinking a lot too as well; I am literally blown away each time I receive a new response that I am trying to take it all in, but also process it all at the same time.

It has also made me re-evaluate the things I have wanted and was like I am not getting that or it hasn't happened to me yet. I now know why from all the feedback. It has opened up my eyes, heart and has given me the power from within my soul to light back up my candle and quite fighting myself and let whatever is suppose to shine to shine like a rising star in the night sky.

I know in the past I have allowed myself free willingly to work on myself and get help with it. I have also felt lost a bit for sometime in wanting to achieve things or for a long time and unsure how it's going to ever happen to someone like me. It allowed to go; heeey this needs to stop now! You need to believe in everything that's in your heart that you (i) want to come true. i feel like I've gotten it all pretty much from the creator and never really have fully truly really been grateful. Yes, I am grateful for things, but not the way that I have come to see everything that has been free willingly given to me lately. Yes, those are only words to some of you. Words, can impact a person so much, can open a person to so much that they never truly understood fully or knew.

I really got a beautiful gift one month before my birthday. I truly have been given all the things I need in my life at this point, time, moments with nothing more and nothing less. The things I have now are what I needed to focus on this whole time, realize, work on and go through to work through to get to some thing incredibly amazingly new.

The one thing i have longed for for the longest time I know fully realized why it hasn't happened or couldn't exactly happen or hasn't happened. It all makes sense and all the pieces needed to blow my mind to realization. I am forever grateful that I have literally no words at all. All I know as of late is that I need to put everything into action, work on everything to improve myself for better.

I feel as though I have been focusing in more and taking little steps each day on something. I cannot wait for the journey to continue on. Sometimes when you think people aren't paying attention or listening, secretly they are. Sometimes you never realize it or know it. You can be given incredible things if you allow yourself to be open and take it all in and process it through. I love learning experiences such as these. I feel I really needed something such as this, since I haven't received something as wonderful as this in a really long time. I am utterly grateful that I can repeatedly say that I am grateful until the sun sparks like moon. It truly doesn't fully express how my insides of my soul and heart feel.

Maybe, I'll get my wish after all. The unexpected that I never seen coming that I have forgotten.

GRATEFUL.

a little more time making something of yourself

What's your birthday wish list (if coming up soon) or goal list for this year??

What are you wanting to take a risk on that you have been debating for some time with yourself?

What things have you realized that matter the most than anything else in the world?

What are you wanting to achieve?

This is my birthday wish list and all that I care about for when my birthday comes around soon. Everything else that is materialistic and doesn't hold significant value isn't something that can be treasured in my heart is not defined as the simple things.

+ God

+ Love

+ Family

+ Health

+ Friendships

+ Travel

+ Education

+ Work

+ Dreams

Yes, these are probably very vague and not very in depth detailed. However, I felt like sharing since mentioning dreams has been a subject of topic lately I've noticed.

when your heart gets triggered

It's February, actually Valentine's to be exact!

[Happy Valentine's Day] to start off.

I have been thinking about stuff all day from yesterday and now as I am waiting to leave for my flight to San Diego! Excited! <3 I also felt the need to come on here and write.

Life is pretty funny and those simple things that most of us take for granted can easily be taken away. However, that point before it comes to that always has a knock on your door and it gets louder each time. Sometimes that loudest that keeps knocking gets avoided and then it begins to become too late.

In life the cards we are dealt are not always the cards we would want. It is how you are willing to play those cards for the better, for the positive. Some days, times, hours, minutes and years will be harder than others. It is those struggles that teach you the most and provide you a valuable learning element to contribute to your life, the human being that you are, yet also giving hope to someone else. It will feel as though you are going through it alone, even with people who support you, love you and in a way you are. You are in the sense that it is your battle to fight, it is in your hands, heart and soul if you are willing enough to do whatever it is that it takes to survive the outcome that is breaking you down. If you are willing to break those odds and do everything in your power possible with hope attached you know the possibilities were worth the try even if the odds become against you.

Sometimes I really struggle and most people would people never know, because I have never been the one to make the focus be about me. I am the one who sits there and listens with a million racing thoughts. The thoughts that run wild inside are carefully put together verbally and sometimes not at all. Sometimes they are surrounding within, but mostly listening to every description, dream, word, story and making sense of what someone else has to say. I am one to ask a million questions of others, not that I am nosy, but because I genuinely care along with truly fascinated.

There are days I wish I could share things that are so deep, that I am not really sure myself. Life is really whatever you make of it. The choices that become of you, they determine your future, they give you your character. Why not make choices that will thank your future adventures later. Why not chase all those crazy wild dreams in your heart? Why not appreciate the simple things that happens in your everyday? Why not write letters and send by mail? Why not do the things that take place in your heart that you always wanted even if that risk is big?

I am no perfect human being and nor do I try to aim for perfection at all. Perfection does not exist. Those flaws, failures, struggles and everything beautiful is what really is significant. Those things that people think are ugly, really aren't. Those moments of victory are really what those things define who you are and make your heart scream who you. They shine full of glow representing the exquisite individual that you are, that you will become and who you currently choose to be.

The great big ideas you have stuck in your heart take them and achieve them, that person you've wanted to talk to, go do that. The things you are unsure of keep hope, be persistent, take risks and do whatever it will take to make YOU happy.

Those little things, little moments they really equal out to the big things.

If you don't think something is possible, change your attitude, change your perspective and keep hope.

struggles are there to challenge you and if you're not struggling you are not growing. They may seem dark and heavy at times, there truly is a light a the end of the tunnel. You have to believe even in the slightest of chances that miracles they do happen. They do come true and no they are not for the "lucky ones" they are for those who believe in the possibility that anything can change in an instant.

The number one question that always comes up is why? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me and not someone else. Those whys are incredibly hard, but were given to you because you are strong enough to handle it. YOU are enough, YOU are able to hold it together even the moments you fall, you still keep getting back up.

YOU are INSPIRATION, LOVE, BELIEF & HOPE. You are the light that will allow others to shine.

xo.

working on empty.

[13 January]

I know I should probably be doing homework, but I haven't touched it today. I felt like I should maybe come on here and write instead. [4 hours later] 

Today, has been a bummer day to be honest. [ha! i bet you loved that -- honesty!] I left class right away today and came home, looked at a couple things that I found fascinating and inspiring. I was also thinking in my room on my bed with my music blaring with the same song stuck on repeat for the longest time. [If you're curious it was Beyonce's 7/11; I wanted something upbeat to lift up my mood] Then I switched over to banks: waiting game. I am still sitting on my bed listening to music Hozier: work song with headphones in, song blaring unbelievable loud while my mind chases around all the thoughts coming through. The sun went down and the room is dark with the street lights that spark every few inches on the streets showing in. 

I know it probably sounds super depressing reading that or super calm. I couldn't honestly say. But I needed to get things out and you know those days that nothing makes any sense or those wondering thoughts of how am i going to get all this or accomplish this come flooding in? The simple you could break down and cry for no reason, but there's probably a reason but not really. Yeah those days can be ruff and they also come through far and few. And those days I truly don't know what to do. I feel like doing nothing but I also can't even though I already wasted four hours doing nothing productive towards school. 

Sometimes I don't get how to manage things altogether and sharing thoughts while miles away from others for school is hard. [It really is a luxury really to have deep soulful conversations] - [I cherish by the way] Those are also very rare and far and few it feels at times. My soul feeds on those soulful conversations, they let me talk my thoughts out or ask a million questions stuck inside my head. Simply sometimes, just day-dreaming whatever inside the depths of the pit of my soul. 

My first week of school was alright but also kind of shitty really. [I wasn't going to use such a negative word] to be honest that sums it up perfectly. The best moments, [laughter at random moments] because those exist a midst all the down falls of feeling a mix of everything of [I don't care, to annoyance] then to complete silence after being impressed but also kind of puts you in your place in a way. I know probably sounds odd to say, but sometimes that happens to me. It's not intentionally, but it's those stories, thoughts, things about life that happen through conversations with others and gets you to think. [truly think, in silence, with thoughts circle mid air of the mind] Those are good at times, because they get you thinking about your [particular my life] it makes me look a things inwardly, but also gain perspective. [However, they can also get you into thinking a million overwhelming thoughts of how is everything going to happen or whatever it is that is soaking in the mind.] 

I get it a lot of people can be hard on themselves, or others seek the approval of others. I was thinking about the seeking approval of others, because I can relate in the sense of that subject. [I was reminiscing back to the days when I didn't care or didn't asked others about things I wanted to do or how something looked] I miss that person but then I don't. Because that person was someone who also numbed certain feelings. Once you do that, it numbs all and I wouldn't necessarily want to trade that for the opened person I have fought to become and work on continuously. 

I feel like I need to be by the ocean water, sitting on the beach with the sun quenching the depths of my skin. I want to feel the wash of the ocean water splashing and have a million photos with a billion sunsets overtaking the rim of my eyes. What I would kill to [see] splash colored horizons filled of sitting on the beach watching the sunset. [You know sunsets is one of my all time favorite thing to capture on my phone!] They are never the same and always produce so much beauty, so much rawness and so much so much beautiful colour. [way to win over my heart].

Another thing I noticed this past year [two thousand and fourteen] Christmas was I actually didn't care [not at all in a negative context] but in the sense of materialistic things are only things. I can't take them with me and yeah you could die trying thinking those things will come with you, but we all no that's not happening. i truthful and honestly was happy being at home around my family and extended family visiting. And the other things in life that i care about and would enjoy or want are things not even money can buy anyways. The little things that eat up the insides of my soul and have me day-dreaming over days, years, weeks whatever the case. i cherish those things, the memories, even photographs [love], the deep soul wrenching good conversations that take place. i love those elements of life and reading. [i've gotten more into it this started of the new year again] 

My point of all this writing is that [shitty] days are going to happen sometimes and that is OK. Sometimes you just need to get everything out, whether or not it makes sense or seems vague or no sense. Being human is a everyday job and being vulnerable is OK. And feeling a certain way is okay, but keep pushing through.

listen careful; this is your year

Happy New Year!

I know it has been such a long time since I came on here and wrote anything. A break is at times in need all around in everything to spend time with family, friends and enjoy life. I took advantage of that before starting my new semester. If you came on here in search of a new post and nothing that is my fault in your disappointment.

I am back with my first post of 2015 on my lucky number! I hope you all finished off your 2014 strong and are demolishing 2015 in incredible ways already with whatever your heart has desired it to chase this new year.

I wanted to come on here to write and put my thoughts out to share.

I hope you learnt that has helped you want to achieve the best in 2015. Any negative or drowning thing that has stuck to your life has been left behind where it belongs. I wish for you the take over of your life in what you really truly want it to be for this new year. I wish for a thousand times over of laughter, genuine wholeness of who you are as a person. I hope you are letting that shine out and beam out like colourful sunsets spreading across the sky.

You are probably wondering my thoughts related in regards to myself and one thing I did want to mention was that I hope you make this year about YOU. I hope you don't do things to please others or prove others of who you are. You are better than that. You are talented, smart, educated, mesmerizing, fun and hold a ton amount happiness of laughter within you.

Your life does not require the commentary or seek of approval towards others. Your life, is your life and was beautifully created for YOU to live, create and make mistakes. The only person that you need to prove yourself to is to yourself. You need to believe in the soul created desires held within the insides of your heart and the depths of your vines. The passion that lights up the inner rims of your eyes are the keys to your soul and speak more honesty than the sun and moon. The beauty of that it's self gives others the inspiration of who you are without even trying. You may not think you are affect anybody, but you truly would be surprised who really looks up to you, feels inspired by you and looks up to you. The possibilities are endless and the people who tell you are ones you never really would have thought in a million years you could make that much of an impact. Impact can do wondrous things to people and sometime you aren't even aware.

I hope whatever you do this year you do that anything for you and carry the weight of your own shoulders this year exploring numerous amounts of soul searching inner seeking. I hope you allow yourself to be you and share you; the true person that may not be exposed to others completely. I hope you let your thoughts run wild and your heart scatter out a million thousand questions or thoughts. I hope you don't hold yourself back and allow your inner soul to lose sight of the feelings sprinkling through the current running throughout your majestic spirit.

What I do know is :

1. life makes you go through hard challenges and it seems like it's never going to end, but it is.
2. passion, drive, enthusiasm can lead you to amazing things if there's nothing underlying behind it.
3. people who are no longer in your current future are in your past for a reason, so don't dwell on the past.
4. be happy with who you are and not that of what others want of you or request.
5. the past and future don't define your present, so focus on being in the moment.
6. read to improve your knowledge, language, writing etc. books can give you so much.
7. be grateful for all the things money can't buy and treasure those truly, because those things are usually hardest to come by or ever get back.
8. be okay, that life throws unexpected curve balls at you and go with the flow.
9. seek a willingness to always want to improve yourself, to better yourself.
10. focus on our own grass, because it truly isn't greener on the other side.
11. let 2015 be of new chances, friends, things, happiness, disappointments and a new year full of rawness of the human being held within the chambers of your inner soul, heart and electric pulsing energy.

let 2015 be YOUR YEAR! I want it to be your year as much as you do. I wish you all the greatest of happiness and success along with love.

twenty-fifteen is your year to demolish everything you've wanted to acquire but never allowed yourself. Go out there and knock the year dead like a lion roaring quiet crisp fogged air.

they'll be coming for us soon, those wildest dreams stuck to the moon

I know I am back on here a week later exactly, instead of doing homework. I can't stop thinking about this one subject on my mind, so I had to come on here to share my thoughts.

Mentoring | to support and encourage people to manage their own learning in order that they may maximize their potential, develop their skills, improve their performance and become the person they want to be. 

{A way to help a mentee in their career, direction, solutions as well as believing in their self along with boosting confidence.} source

I feel as though I have never had this aspect in my life really ever. Maybe, that is how it is for majority of people. I honestly do not know, but it was on my mind all morning and I wish I had somebody that was a mentor for me. I say this, because I feel like I have so many things in and or on my mind, but no one to go to for direction in a sense. Yes, I have a lot of people in life to talk about things or to get confident boosters sure. And perhaps, it is also on my part to find a mentor or seek one out? I feel it would help me out a lot and everything that is inside of my head would be able to be challenged or freely released with a helpful hand. I feel stuck a lot of the time, probably most of the time in my head which this quotation explains it best "You know what truly aches all that you are? Having so much inside of you and not having the slightest clue of how to pour it out" - Christopher Poindexter <--- The following sums up pretty good how I feel inside. I feel I have so many ideas that I do say freely to people and they use it and I don't necessarily care in a sense.

The part that kind of is challenging is always having cool ideas and people liking them while doing really incredible things with them and then being the person standing next to the person.

"O: you can't intimidate that, 

P: I couldn't 

O: and make it any better

P: i was always going to come in second"

I feel this quotation from Pharrell Williams and Oprah's Next Chapter talks to me in the sense of having the feeling of coming in second. I do feel that a lot, all the time actually, it's hard and also a struggle in a way. A struggle to find out what is the greatest element within my passion of who I am and not that of others in what they are doing. I get I will never be at the forefront like others that I see and I am okay with that, nor am I one to be center front of attention. I always try to stay humble in this huge universal puzzle piece. The hard part is figuring out all the pieces and understanding everything in my head and how will I ever make it all come to fruition, that part is super hard for me. Also having those people who realize the propensities within me; I feel I've never been surrounded around people in this nature. It's kind of super hard, because I see everybody have those same propensities and do it better. I know they are good and am amazing along with see those people who realize their propensities and encourage them. I struggle with having someone be encouraging with ideas or things of myself that seeps out of my soul.

Also seeing peers doing incredible things and being super amazing at the exact same thing you're both learning and studying. Even in other areas, that does not have to do within the form of my peers in everyday life, but also expanding into the desires of others who are fulfilling the dreams that i really would like to achieve. I struggle to attain how it's going to come about. I feel everybody else can do the exact same thing as i can. If you go beyond everything of yourself and follow what Pharrell states allowing yourself to be unafraid to dream and more brave to gallant to blueprint what you envision.

"they were like my peers and i wanted to be like them and i misinterpreting what they were doing. the only thing i was paying attention to was the pixie dust in the magic trick and not the purpose. it was the aesthetic and not the vertebrae of what he was doing." - Pharrell Williams

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --- *

Sometimes I feel like I can't run and I can't crawl or I feel I'm nothing at all with so many things stuck in my head and sometimes life is a lesson and you have to start to recognize the signs.

{this post is kind of all over everywhere and probably doesn't even make sense, but I wanted to share my inner being thoughts}

adios.

i love you when you sing that song it's brighter than the morning

I wanted to come on here and write, because I have been thinking and thought what a better way to release than in my head. I know it's been a long while, since I last posted on my blog. You know school life around this time gets even crazy busy than any other time, so forgive me.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot, about a lot of things. Sometimes I am not one hundred percent sure what I am doing in my life. Sometimes I lack the strength that others feel I emanate from their pretty, beautiful stunning sunshine eyes. Sometimes I look back and wonder what I have done or pass up was wrong on my part? Sometimes or lately life seems to have courted a close knitted beauty of graciously awe-inspiring individuals in my life that I will never compare too.  I never thought I would find those people, the ones who accept me for who I am fully even in my most selfish moments of life. Even in the moments when I realize I am being not as appreciative as my fellow heart shining friends. Some times i don't even know how all these dots have connected this far together for the best. I don't know how I was given beautiful soulful angels that elude beauty that I never will be able too. Sometimes I wonder how I can be that good? How will I attain those attributes? I am not too sure. I sit and ponder in deep thinking thoughts, that only my heart hears from within and flows through my veins like a brightly colored sunset.

Sometimes or most times I never really understand what others see that I cannot see of myself. I know when I have done wrong and I recognize when I could have been better. Other times I can be stubborn and selfish. Sometimes my standards seem as though they are on the highest shelve unable to be reached. Sometimes I feel I can't even reach them myself or don't know how I can even if there's a ton of possibilities. I have a lump in my throat full of the unknown, the fear and everything wrapped up in one that holds like a locket with a hidden key. Sometimes I truly wonder what others think fully as in constructive criticism kind of way. I sometimes wonder if what I am thinking in my head is possible or if they will always be things stuck in my head, because I fall short in my mind. But then some see things I cannot get or things that astonish them from my mind.

Everybody wants to be validated, but I am not asking for that. I just want to know if my brain can be destine for the things floating like a song that waves with an ocean roar and calm flow. I want to know if my vulnerability that none really ever see wholesomely can cast out like a Caribbean palm tree. Can it release the utmost hidden soulful, mindful, beautiful, wild, free person full of deepen conversation that holds in the chambers of the barefoot toes and wild untamed knotted messy bun hair.

People change all the time, that's life. However, people are not meant to stay the same either. People are meant to change, to grow, to develop into a gracious peony with a center yellow button middle with lessons and struggles tide along the walls of the missing honey bee searching for honey. In those walls portray fear sometimes and sometimes happiness. Realistically those walls hold more than that for me; they hold the dreams that haven't been sung, the darkness that floats but holds wings of wonderful.

But I love you like a left hand man loves a piece of raspberry cheesecake. I cannot compare my beauty to that of yours, to that of others, to that of colleagues and to that of my peers. I can only interpret your beauty within my life as long as I am being gifted with it. I can only learn from it, cherish it. I can only protect it and be loyal to it. I know I can never repay for ever receiving the presence of it in this lifetime. I could try, but I know that is the best that I can give at moments of a time, because I daily fail at life. I sin at life and destroy the interlining full of brilliance sticking inside of my body with unfathomable analytic pieces separated into a mixture of all over pieces.

Sometimes I wonder how am I ever going to repay the people who have walked into my life. How am I going to spark the next individual with everything inside of the person of me? I do not know how to let it go. I do not know how to walk away. The only thing my body knows is of heaviness in darkness holding on tight to battles a midst struggles tide into one.

What's a fresh start? What is truth? What is brightness? What is brilliance? What is shining brightest? Please tell me? I feel I have not ever even been close to those as I have seen from the people surrounded of me. All i know for sure is that I know what calm is among others well inside of my soul may seem chaotic but soothes those surrounding within the presence of me. Other than that I do not honestly know. I do not know what the inner ropes of gold hold inside. I thought I did, but I think I don't. I know the beauty of others. The dark, the sad and the pure genuine joyful kind of beauty. I know knowledge that floods the gates of others mind that I feel has not even come close to the potential to the hidden corners stored of mine. And all my friends and family give unwillingly, graciously and full of heart. I could never walk those stepping stones of those standards and pass. I know now that my kindness isn't anything particularly special to be exact. It doesn't hold the strength that I have witness within others in human kind. Everyday, I learn new things of humanity and the beyond the possibilities I could ever see imaginably possible of me.

Lately I just want to run along the shoreline and white sand with hair washed up from the ocean waves loving the beauty that scatters throughout the shared sky. I feel a misunderstanding and a restless struggle wondering to stay or feeling the river washing down the mountain top with rain droplets of hope, of the possibility of future conversation that is held inside.

This feels like a movie and I am running from myself, but I am not because running is never an option. Running always chases you, head on like a wave collision hidden upon the eruption of deepen volcanoes. I don't think I like it. I don't think you like hearing it, but I also think do you in the wake of inner soul depth beauty that locks the screens of your mind.

And I love you like the morning sunrise that holds the quiet piercing love. I love you like the unconditional love you give me. I love you like the kindness you hold in the sacred depths of your soul and heart. I love you as bold as the lights of new york city. I love you like the conversations that race my heart and capture my mind with intelligence. I love you like the ocean sky with a purple sunset floating like a kite. I love you like the intelligence seeping through your mind.  I love you like the honesty your lips let out in rawness and unforgivable truth. I love you like the depth of your eyes that shine gun metal and flecks of brass that twinkle as the stars do at night. I love you for your understanding.

Lately I want to be your left hand man but I am stuck on the highest shelve of the common stairs.
I just wanna know if I'll still be apart of your motion screen or a past history -- I have a lump in my throat wondering, wondering if I am that strong.

11.22.14 {i love you and your song, even when the words are wrong but I wouldn't ask for it any other way.}